july 30, 2025
i've started to gain a fear of never having any sort of romantic partner in life.
most people probably have the same exact fear as i do, but my feelings towards it has started to slowly intensify over the last few years (at the most). i know that im young and that i have a lot of life left to live, and that many of the people i like now will not be relevant in my life 2 or 3 years after meeting them, but i've experienced the same situation over and over again, and im starting to lose faith in the possibilty that the person that im waiting for will come later in life. i know these things happen because i have issues and they do too, and im trying to learn and change, but it's difficult.
i think im just tired of meeting women and starting to think after a few months of knowing them, "hey, maybe this could be the endgame", just for things to die out. im tired of shitty talking stages and things like that. i just want things to work out perfectly once within my life.
besides my new fear, i can confidently say that i've changed a lot as a person, for the better.
there are many parts of life that i've come to appreciate and enjoy, and i've grown a much more positive view of the world, and people. i don't think im as cynical as i was before, but i'm having a lot of troubles coming to better terms with myself, and i'd like to think thats why i have so much trouble with relationships. i have a difficult time trying to learn to love myself, because i don't see much about myself to love, externally and interally.
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