july 28, 2025
hi again. this is my first actual blog post on this site.
i spent way too long just figuring out how to get this template to work in the first place, so finally being able to write a post here feels kinda cool. even if this is mostly just for myself, tbh. which is okay with me, at least my stupid ramblings will be pleasing to look at because of this site that i fucked around with for way too long.
that isn't the point though
i think i'm becoming less and less of a loser, however i think it i am doing it through unconventional and probably the hardest ways possible. for example, i have a hard time meeting new people and being interesting enough for them to keep in touch (i think). even initiating contact myself feels like im dragging my balls through a desert of broken glass. it doesn't matter if the person im talking to is someone i like as a friend or romantically, it's just difficult.
part of that is because my connection to everyone is just extremely fragile now. every time i get close to someone, things just end up falling apart, and im just left with a bad feeling of disconnect that just lingers. i had a dream where i had a genuine connection with someone that i was close with. i don't remember much from the dream anymore, but when i woke up, i just felt off. the dream was about someone i used to like, but i wasn't really even sad about that or anything. it was just as if i was reminded of something i had temporarily, that i lost.
it's hard for me to explain cause of my idiot brain, but i think i just don't feel like i exist or that im important in anyone else's world. i don't feel real, and it's because of my social ineptitude.
i've been trying to feel alive again without needing to depend on someone to make me feel real, but most days i just don't manage. but i know i need someone to help me drag me out of this hole, because ill never be able to do it by myself. so i've been trying to 'become less of a loser', i've been trying to connect with people i like through the internet, and i want to talk to people in the actual world as well. i believe having a real social life will probably fix my problem, but it's hard to resuscitate something that's been dead for pratically 3-4 years at this point. i want to change.
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